It’s genetic; I swear
As women, we have a few go-to moves that make sense only to us. Men have seen us do these things and raised a brow in wonder. (They have their own quirks too, as you well know, but that would be another post, another day.)
Boobs are very multi-functional.
My daughter-in-law and I are big fans of The Cell Phone Stash. While this is usually pertaining to cell phones, it is a well-known fact among us women that the best, most efficient pocket we own is our boobs.
You can stuff all kinds of stuff there! Money, car keys, your infant, so many things. And between my daughter-in-law and I, for the record, she could actually lose things in there. For me, I’ve never lost anything in there but there has been the occasion when an item goes missing and I check my boobs, just in case.
It is the perfect place to park your phone, on speaker, so that you may go about your business, your conversation companion none the wiser.
A sister move to The Cell Phone Stash is The Boob Wipe. I know you’ve seen (and ladies — you know you’ve done this!) a woman end a call on her cell phone and promptly wipe the phone across her boob. Because again the boob is multifunctional and the perfect place to wipe away the face print on the cell phone screen. A good alternative, The Hip Wipe, but watch out for those sequined or bedazzled britches. (That’s Southern for pants — one day I just need to do a write up for y’all on Southern lingo.)
The bathroom quirks that unite us
Make-up often blurs our cell phone screens which is just nasty and brings me to another thing we women do, often in the privacy of our bathrooms or with the sun visor flipped down in the car. We do a very good impression I call The Darth Vader.
This impressive move is annoyingly left out of the mascara commercials — the ones with the lovely models all wearing lash extensions or full fake eyelashes and touting the miraculous wonders of the Lashy-Luschious Perfection Mascara 3000. If the extensions weren’t enough to convince us of their dishonest expression of care for the length and breadth of our lashes; notice the other bold lie.
They apply mascara with their mouth closed. When we all know this is impossible. Furthermore, bring on the heavy concentration, the focused deep-breathing and you have it — The Darth Vader. We truly impress, even without Lashy-Luschious Perfection Mascara 3000.
(And men who wear mascara — make sure you implement this important technique. Since the dawning of mascara, this is the way.)
We have a few bathroom tricks up our sleeves as well, like The Upside-Down Hair Toss — how else would you blow-dry your hair? And there seems to be a rule on this one. If the hair is not tossed violently enough, it must be gathered and the toss must be repeated. More injury comes from this weird women’s activity than any other.
Except maybe The Hover. Men, I implore you to try this once. It’s kind of like a game. Sit to pee — but no part of your skin may actually touch the toilet seat. I won’t go into the potential for injury on this one, but it is crucial, especially in public restrooms, to master this event.
Why? If you have to ask that — we cannot be friends. And while I have your attention men; would it hurt you to take a hint from your ladies? Do you really think we walk around without farting? The Squeeze is your friend. If you need instructions, I am sure any woman would be happy to demonstrate this planet-saving, marriage-saving, face-saving technique.
Speaking of saving-face, there are just some moments in a woman’s life that we are not proud. I am speaking of The Hide.
Because sometimes…you just have to
It’s tough to be a woman. There are those moments when you want it. You need it. And you have to hide to get it.
I can best describe this moment by sharing the story of a woman I know well, and admire beyond the limits of humanly possible admiration. She’s a strong, confident, successful woman and she has two beautiful small children. And even she, medical doctor she, has perfected The Hide, as demonstrated by a Facebook post I once read on her wall depicting the eating of Nutella — in the closet.
Sometimes you just have to Nutella — alone.
I am proud to say that the last time the grandkids were here to visit, my teenage daughter demonstrated The Hide by hiding in her closet to listen to Pandora. Earbuds in, she demonstrated efficiently the genetic component to weird women quirks — I’m pretty sure she’s never known about The Hide — at least not from me!
Take care of yourselves ladies! The struggle Bus has our names inscribed on the side but we carry on! Let your weirdness shine.
And can we please get some realness on our mascara commercials? Darth Vader and all?
Thanks for reading!
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